Monday, July 5, 2010

some of my best/fave tweets

I blew off a chance to be social this afternoon (the beach is sooooo far) and have decided to go through my 2,500+ tweets and bring you some of my faves. But just 2010, because, though I'm lame and crazy, I try not to be both at once.

time to unleash the flock of sheep in my brain. i keep them in close quarters in a small pen in the back of my thalamus. don't tell PETA. 11:24 PM Jul 3rd

if this whole writer thing doesn't work out, I guess I could always move to Thailand and sell cow placenta. Saturday, June 26, 2010 3:10:26 PM

If we're going by smell, my supervisor just microwaved a homeless person in the break room. 12:30 PM Jun 23rd

My eyes need resting. Don't know why. They don't do shit. 11:26 PM Jun 11th

people who couldn't be chefs because of their last names: John Ratzenberger. 10:37 AM Jun 8th

If you had to ID me just by my current stomach contents, you'd presume my name was Peter Peter and that I had a wife, but couldn't keep her. 1:53 PM Jun 7th

If someone is hospitalized in "grave condition" and doesn't die, I feel like the Grim Reaper got punk'd. Thursday, June 03, 2010 10:40:59 PM

Fabiola: feminant variant of Fabian, not an extra-ridiulous variant of Fabulous, like I was gonna guess. It may mean "one who grows beans." Saturday, May 15, 2010 3:31:28 PM

You complete m Saturday, May 15, 2010 2:44:36 PM

this is like 39 in my emotional 40 years in the desert 1:43 PM May 13th

Chocolate solves everything. If Kagan doesn't work out, we should appoint chocolate to the Supreme Court. Tuesday, May 11, 2010 4:53:24 PM

At la brea. Just heard a kid call a sabertooth a cybertooth. 4:26 PM May 1st

If you pronounce respite like it rhymes with cess pit, let's hang out. 5:12 PM Apr 27th

I don't have standards so much as everyone's gross. 4:13 PM Apr 25th

If "Pretzel Stand" was a perfume, I wouldn't just wear it, I'd buy it for all my friends. 9:40 PM Apr 23rd

Is getting seafood at the mall a bad idea? Well That's why my momma named me bad idea stevens. 7:14 PM Apr 23rd

water is no substitute for something that my body can convert into fat. 2:50 PM Apr 22nd

My calves are barking. That's right. So sore they don't even make a bovine noise. 3:29 PM Apr 16th

Mega Piranha, next weekend, on @SyFy. Honestly, any fish that size is gonna be scary. It could have been Mega Trout, same movie. 10:06 AM Apr 3rd

Leafy greens rhymes with beefy spleens. Coincidence? 12:50 PM Apr 1st

gonna get girl scout cookies today! yay! take a knee, diet. take a knee. 10:15 AM Mar 12th

I am not about to renege on a promise or flee my impending nuptials, so why are my feet so cold? 8:38 PM Mar 11th

Just sneezed a jellyfish. Sunday, February 28, 2010 6:00:33 PM

Ate too much the yo that is fro 2:17 PM Feb 27th

Latvia's trending? did they win a medal? or did Pattinson move there? 'cause I can't think of another reason for anyone to care. 10:28 PM Feb 23rd

whoa, Ted Danson's hair in Body Heat, whoa. Friday, February 19, 2010 8:29:07 PM

It's one of those soreness at the injection point kind of days. 11:51 AM Feb 6th

feels too crappy to eat solid foods. is there a thing called baby disease? 1:39 PM Feb 2nd

God forbid There's ever a fire at my apartment building. More cars park in front of the fire hydrant than you can shake a flaming stick at. 2:23 PM Jan 15th

Now the shower's off but She's still in the bathroom. Mutton faxer. 12:27 AM Jan 2nd

Rape victims take shorter showers than my roommate. For crying out loud. 12:14 AM Jan 2nd

think I'm belatedly jet-lagged. if i don't slap my face into my pillow soon, my face will never forgive me. face vengeance...shudder. 10:14 PM Jan 1st

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In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with. I don't. Would you take two negative messages?
-- Woody Allen