Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lost posting

9:34pm -- too much fright; must eat; miss Ian Somerhalder; so purty.
9:36pm -- What's the deal with Hayden Christiansen? Why is he cool?
9:40pm -- He got Lost. Haha.
9:42pm -- Oh.
9:43pm -- Eskimo and igloo.
OH S&^T CHARLIE. No need to freak out, haha.
9:44pm -- Dead Charlie just slapped poor Hugo. Pooooor Hugo.
9:47pm -- I like Dead Charlie best of all.
9:51pm -- Are you insane? Hurt none of the people who he's talking to because the ones he did hurt are dead (yello, Boone).
9:53pm -- What Would Charlie Do?
9:54pm -- If Hurley joins Locke, then... explaineth the future clips.
9:55pm -- HAHA, BEN!
Sawyer's torn.
9:56pm -- But he goes with Hurley.
9:57pm -- Jack!
9:58pm -- News flash, you do look weird with a beard.
9:59pm -- What?! What?! What?!
10:00pm -- Never say never, Jack.

Do not trust the dude from the dude from Rescue Dawn.
Woo. That was wild.
And only 7 eps left. Damn you, AMPTP.

Hello, Hugo

9:25pm -- Um, Step Up was a phenomenon?
9:26pm -- David Duchovny's disembodied voice could be used as a more humane alternative method for putting animals to sleep. And me. Zzzz.
9:27pm -- Olive Garden's breadsticks are the stuff of legend. Legendary. Damn you, Neil Patrick Harris.
9:28pm -- The strike makes you realize which shows you actually really can't live without. Mine, apparently, includes HIMYM.
9:29PM -- Blood on a big leaf. Blood on a big leaf. Yikes!
9:30pm -- Kate's smart! Ben's Ben.
9:30pm -- Kate's a target.
9:31pm -- This is not going well.
9:32pm -- OK, now is she going to die???
9:33pm -- How did Naomi make it all that way -- and who's her sister?
Don't do it, Hurley. Don't go in. Aahh! OH S*&T!

oh my god oh my god oh my goddddddd


9:16pm -- Charles Barkley is funny.
9:18pm -- We gotta call the Doc.
Hurley acts a bit rashly.
9:19pm -- I think Jack and Ben are soulmates.
9:20pm -- "Be careful" means "bad's stuff gonna go down."
9:21pm -- Connect Four is what I used to play with a cheating, lying five year-old.
9:22pm -- The Oceanic Airlines rep is bad news.
How do you upgrade a mental institution? Leather chairs and more leg room?
9:23pm -- Who's "They"?? Can't wait to find out.
9:24pm -- Miss you, Charlie. Love the new-and-improved sensitive Gambit (aka, "Hott"oway)
9:25pm -- Hugo's lost! No!!!!!!!!! is that where Jacob lives?

Uh oh.

Lost live bloggin (Pacific time)

9:04pm -- Hurley made it off the island. And he's one of the Oceanic Six. Six. Ah, loving it. Loving it!!!!!!!!!!!

9:05pm -- No interest in Eli Stone whatsoever. I think one of the cops in the teaser was Bruce Campbell.

9:06pm -- Wanna know a funny coincidence??????!!!!!!!

9:07pm -- Hurley lies about Ana Lucia. But, more strangely, he doesn't want a doughnut.

9:08pm -- Who'd he run from? Who'd he run from? Ben? Jacob (whoever Jacob is)?
Oh no, Hurley's lost his cotton-pickin' mind! I feel bad about the doughnut crack.

9:09pm -- Jack has become, how do you say, homicidal?

9:10pm -- There are many ways to be survivors... and, apparently, Rose is a bit slutty.

9:11pm -- Oh, Ben.

9:12pm -- Poor Hurley.

9:13pm -- Devastation. Is. Momentary.

9:14pm -- Where is she?! (I kinda knew she was getting up and going.)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

blame Montana

So the dream I had the other night that I forgot?
Remembered it (in part). Haha!
Basically, I had written two songs, and Billy Ray Cyrus was directing the music videos in which the bands who sang them were playing. And he was also directing a movie I had written at the same time. My dad's a big fan of country, so I brought him to the set.
But he wasn't much impressed.


Got the Jeopardy final question right.

Gonna see In Bruges and Persepolis and their respective writers speak in the upcoming weeks. Excited is not nearly boisterous enough a word.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Monday, January 28, 2008

Bohr missed 'em

Saw snow on the San Gabriel Mountains (which I've been thinking were the San Bernardinos) this weekend. Didn't see much in that direction this morning.

Broke. Off. My. Backside.

But there's un poquito reason to hope. Very poquito. If I started amping up the joy-ons (they're little confetti guns in my mitochondria) without the proper nutrition to feed them, I'm liable to plummet later. So cautious I proceed.
Tell that to my REM.

Had the weirdest dreams last night. Luckily, though I remembered them this morning, I've forgotten now, so you're spared. That clinking you hear is the sound of readers the world (ha!) over tapping their glasses together to cheer their good fortune and my pitiful memory.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

SAG awards

I f-ing love Josh Brolin.


Roommate from college is engaged. Expected and am happy for her.
But that makes it five people I know who are engaged.

I'm working six-day weeks. The upside is that I get to run into awesome, handsome directors in the Palisades and stare and be completely unable to say anything ("Loved both your TV series and your movies, sir. I'm a comedy writer, and I don't smoke copious amounts of pot, and yet, I'm quite a funny writer. While your daughter decides between the weird blue ice cream and the rainbow sherbet, I'll try to come up with a quip that will blow your mind. Yes, I'm wearing nylon sweatpants. What's your point?).

The rain is epic and weird.

Casa Sanchez makes the world's nummiest tortilla chips. After Casa, going back to Tostitos is just not right.

Been watching the first season of Fame. Boy was that a Debbie Allen vehicle of unapologetic proportions. My hair is so 80s. I would have been better off being a teen in the Bronx in '82 than a newborn in Boston in '83. Sigh me an East River. Lee Curreri, who sports a fro that would scare even my ungodly mane, lives in the area now. Married, apparently, but cute as a button. The man clearly is not afraid of being stalked as he gives out all his contact information. Lee, you're lucky I'm a relatively mentally healthy individual and that Marina del Rey is just too damn far from the Valley.

Ah, Djokovic (can I call you Novi?). Thank you for beating the stuffing out of Federer. Much obliged.

Read the original screenplay for Twister, the ur-disaster film. Most of the good stuff is there, but I gotta give props to the people who came in and tweaked it. Sometimes, little obvious things make all the difference. A lot of Jo's dialogue is toned down. And she's far less rough in the film. I also like that her family background is changed and the sequence with the cow was punched up. I also think the director did a great job. The film was perfectly cast and really well-executed. From the original script it could have easily gone either way.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

nomad goes to pershing

square, that is. thought i'd go check out the Los Angeles Public Library main branch, which is super cool. i didn't want to drive, so i parked my little Chevy at the North Hollywood subway stop and ventured underground.
that's right, i took the metro today. i didn't love it, but the subway stations are way nicer than most of the new york ones. the train itself smelled kinda gross, like metro north usually does, but it was a relief not to have to drive into downtown and deal with parking.
then i went to grand central market, and it's pretty sketchy around there, so i figured i'd come back before it rained. then i bought some cupcakes, which i didn't like much, but ate anyhow.
Leda's - no me gusta
Puddin Out Cupcakes - not really worth it
Sprinkles - delish (specifically the pumpkin and red velvet)
generally i'm not a big cupcake this person. just this weekend for some reason.
finished the first draft of my most recent spec pilot. hooray.

can't wait til the strike's over, but i'm happy all these interim deals are getting people back to work. a friend of mine gets to go back to her enviable writers' assistant job monday.
being jealous just wastes my energy.

lots of crazy rain this week. lots of craziness in general. it was a damnable week. glad it's ending.

i probably won't make a habit of taking the subway, unless i decide to go to long beach.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

from the et to the cetera

Judith Light is fantastic on Ugly Betty. I hope her work this season doesn't go unnoticed.

I suppose it's a bit greedy to lust after both the J.M. Barrie house and Pete Sampras's, but lust I must.

Not that I could ever justify spending that kind of money on a house.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

from studying the atlas and world geography in early 2004

I just rocked the Diego Garcia section of Jeopardy! My uncommon knowledge of small, barely populated islands is awesome.

Family Guy can be pretty f-ing funny some time.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

the world and The Kingdom

Today's one of those days when the world feels like a deflated basketball. Like it's truly given up hope of ever making another goal.

I think it's important to remember that no matter what, we are more present in the world than we think. We are tied in. You can't cut one part of the web without someone feeling it, without hurting the whole.
We don't last forever. We don't even last a little bit. We're hardly here in the grand scheme of things, and the only way we matter is to each other.
People matter. I may despise them most of the time, and I may not be able to make eye contact from sheer social retardation, but I understand that we are the best we've got. We have to be there for each other, or we won't make it.
The WGA have it right. Unity. Brotherhood. The whole shebang. Reach out to those in pain and in need, the isolated and the desolate, those who you haven't seen in a while. We're fracturing, and we need to come together. Time is too short to spend hurting each other or ignoring each other. You and me. That's the beginning and the end. We owe each other more. Our time. Our presence. Our love. Or at least our understanding. It's not that hard. The more you give, the more you receive.


Oscar nods in. Not too many surprises really. Rather than nitpick at the nods that were expected and (I think) far from deserved, I just want to say I feel a bit bad for James Brolin. He did some really fine work this year, and though everyone's noticed, no one's created a category for best overall year.

I'm also surprised The Simpsons Movie didn't get a nod, but Surf's Up did.

I just saw The Kingdom. That was actually a really well done film. I do like Peter Berg. And Jason Bateman. And Chris Cooper. Generally, a movie movie worth the

Monday, January 21, 2008

rough day

My glands are all swollen. And my left wrist is messed up -- I think it's a combo of typing all day and of sleeping on it weird.

Also, I went to Santa Monica today, misread the parking meter sign (there were 3, and I'm not feeling well, so confusion turned me stupid), and collected an ill-afforded 35 dollar ticket.


Guy lay in the road. Presumably he partied hard in celebration of MLK Day. As the good Reverend would have wanted. Hopefully the cops in the car behind me got him home safe and sound.

But saw the Schnabel film with a friend. Max von Sydow made me cry. So not all bad.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

on romantic comedies

27 Dresses
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Never Been Kissed

I'm sure there are more movies where some journalist ends up falling in love with the person they have to deceive to get their story. There are variations on this pervasive formula, but I find it odd that this formula even exists.

I have to say, though, that despite nearly gagging on cliches, 27 Dresses, which was written by The Devil Wear Prada's Aline Brosh McKenna, was extremely pleasant to watch. And James Marsden continues to be the most adorable man on the planet (I've tried to think of a guy who is more adorable, but I can't think of anyone over the age of 7). Katherine Heigl, I think, has also officially taken over the romantic comedy queen role. Anne Hathaway had her shot, and Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts are officially too old (sorry, Meg, you've been too old for a long time). So, basically, it's Kate Hudson, Drew Barrymore, and Katie Heigl, and if you want someone who doesn't have to appear to be smart, Cameron Diaz. How long do we think Jennifer Garner's got?
Everyone's having babies, though, and half the most famous people in Hollywood barely do anything anymore, except go to jail and pop out tots. It's weird, huh?
I know everyone loves her, but I am so tired of Judy Greer. I imagine Judy Greer is tired of playing the best friend, as well. She certainly looks tired.
Definitely, Maybe looks like garbage.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

the brief, wondrous Saturday of Little Miss Nomad

The combination of two hours at the DMV (getting my Cali license, finally), three bites of a Yoshinoya teriyaki bowl (so revolting, words cannot describe) and the jarring Blair Witchy handheld photography of Cloverfield have combined to make me nauseous and give my poor, bloated-with-hunger (that's what I'm telling myself) belly heartburn ('cause heartburn isn't really in your heart, right?).

I think I would have really liked Cloverfield were it not for the camerawork. I'm very sensitive to that stuff for some reason.
It also, to be honest, feels not fully realized. Or not Abramsy enough. There's nothing "in a box." We see the monster fairly early on. The characters don't discover anything or hunt anything. They just try to get a friend and get out of Manhattan -- it's all fairly obvious and straight-forward. Well, whatever.

So Van Nuys, you really did not provide me with much in the way of joy today. Shame on you.

My work says "till" is the proper abbreviation of "until." I disagree with this and will 'til the day I die.

Finished Wao. I, personally, think it's something of a masterpiece and highly recommend it. However, if you happen to be a nerdy virgin, beware. Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Aussies don't take no guff

This is bloody hilarious.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Will Ferrell posits a question that will haunt me for hours (one and a half)

How WOULD you propose marriage without a hammerhead shark?

Any man dares to pull that kind of s41t without a proper sea creature present, and he'll have a lot to answer for.

I spend too much time on

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Anyone have 14 million dollars to spare?

J.M. Barrie's brilliant West London house is on the market.
I'm a big, though possibly misguided, believer in the ability of a place to make or break a person. And I would so very much like to be a better, if not happier, person than who I presently am.
Depending on... stuff... I may take in a Saturday double feature of 27 Dresses and Cloverfield. I feel like they were made-for-each-other.

Must, must, must people be cutesy and say, "Internets." Furrealz, yo, that's just super-duper annoying.

I had no idea that the genesis of the word "frak" was Battlestar Galactica.
Now I know.

Sunday, January 13, 2008


I don't particularly like Colin Farrell, but Martin McDonagh is the most talented playwright alive, and he's already won an Oscar for the short, Six Shooter, so I am super-excited about In Bruges.

I really hope it does well at Sundance.


So, I'm fairly content with the winners of the Globes, though I am surprised by Duchovny and Fey's win. Not mad, just surprised. But Atonement? Argh. Sure, the first third of the film is fine, and Ronan's brilliant, and everyone loves the tracking shot... but over No Country? Over American Gangster (was that movie too approachable -- is that why it's only taken half serious)? Really? Please.
I haven't seen There Will Be Blood, so I have nothing to say on that subject. But Daniel Day-Lewis gives me the willies.

I just saw Away From Her, and Julie Christie is wonderful. It's an excellent first film (for Sarah Polley, that is). So I'm glad she won. I personally loved Gordon Pinsent more, but that's probably because I'm a girl.

How sad is it that I haven't seen a single one of the foreign films nominated this year?
Ah, well.

disappointment 534

Know how when you break into a run, and maybe you're smashing through some foliage and your heart is thumping like a half a dozen kids going to town on those whack-a-moles, it's wild and wonderful and then -- you realize it. Something's missing.

The drums. There aren't any drums. No great crashing music. No personal soundtrack. And suddenly, it's pretty boring.

Goddamn movies. They ruin everything.

Friday, January 11, 2008

on music

I also captioned Prince's "1999" music video. So I know Prince wrote "Manic Monday" and sued Phil Collins for "Sussudio," but I didn't realize until I captioned the song that it's essentially half "Manic Monday" and half "Sussudio" -- except it came first. Really, go listen to all these songs. It will feel insanely redundant.

cars and kiddie songs

I am pretty darn near obsessed with cars. Not the way guys are obsessed with cars, but the way people who hate the oil industry are obsessed with cars.

So I want this one.

No, I want this one

I captioned a Nick show this morning with a very sticky theme song that is adhering to my brain like a leech. Ugh! Damn children.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

awkward day

Today I spilled hot chocolate on myself and all over the car.
And then I dropped my keys in the garbage.

Isn't it strange that Justine and Jason Bateman don't look a thing alike? Maybe around the eyes, but that's it. Weird.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

not "topless"

My new job is to watch TV.
Very slowly.

That's what a caption editor does. It makes my head hurt.

The past day and a half, I've been captioning a certain show that has been around since the dawn of time. Due to confidentiality, I cannot reveal the name of the show, but I can say that the episode I captioned made me laugh really hard and appreciate the actors who somehow managed to say some of the most absurd sentences human beings have ever written on purpose.

If you're not watching it slowly, you might not catch on for awhile how ridiculous this episode is. But I have faith that someone out there will watch this episode, and a few minutes in, say, "There's no way this show is going to be entirely about ***t*." And then, it kinda is, until it becomes, actually, about "*******d t*********."

Hahaha. Oh my God. The sentences, people. The frickin sentences.

How will you know which show it is? I'll give you a hint. The show is on tonight, but this particular episode doesn't air until next week. A clip from the episode has been airing on promos for a few weeks now, ostensibly to highlight its new star.
And after you see it, you'll be wary of brushing your teeth.

I've said too much. I must now run and hide in my pillowcase.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Dakar Rally cancelled

Did y'all hear about this? If you don't know 'bout the Dakar Rally, you should go read Michael Palin's Sahara. I'm more sad about this being canceled than that the Golden Globes.

It's, like, Wao

I have 2/3rds of my spec feature done.
Bow down, ye babes and tots of lesser industry, and glory in the awesomeness that is moi.

It's fair to say, however, that the last third will be a right, royal bitch.

Reading Junot Diaz's book. For once, something that lives up to the hype.


Look, even my grandmother, a die-hard Republican who still calls black people "Negroes" and "colored," knows it's Obama (finally), as opposed to Osama. But what does she call Mike Huckabee? That's right. Huckleberry. And she's not trying to be funny. She genuinely thinks that's his name.

At which point, I have to laugh.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

last word on Undeclared

So I finished watching Undeclared, and it was pretty damn good. The guy who plays Perry is awesome. In fact it's a good cast in general, though the two leads didn't really do much for me.

But then I saw the Paley Center panel with Judd Apatow, and the man was ON edge. Every other word out of his mouth was "cancelled." He made excellent TV, but I'm glad he's out of that now. He clearly couldn't handle that system.

It's a shame the script for "Puke Guy" episode was never produced, though. It was fantastic.

"inspired" advertising

I'm watching Empire Records, which, as we know, is a cult hit amongst the Christian Right. So, obviously, a good commercial for this film would be one advertising TimeLife Christian music.

Er. Um?

last night...

was rough. I dreamed I told David Beckham that none of his friends (of whom I was apparently one) really cared about soccer, made out with a guy who committed suicide years ago, and realized Jonah Hill and I were wearing the same pajama pants (the snowflake ones I got from my cousin for Christmas two years ago). It was a long, weird dream night.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

you learn something new...

Apparently, the past few months I've been working within spitting distance from John Goodman's new home. I'm not saying I'd have decided to stay at my old job if I had known that previously. I'm not really saying anything. Except I am now an addict of "the Real Estalker" blog.

If you admire me a little less, I'll understand. But I'm also wearing commandeered Tweety socks right now, so I think that more than makes up for my enjoyment of stupid blogs.

Friday Night lit up again

Last night's FNL was just excellent, first year worthy. They could have made a "special" episode out of the whole tornado thing, but they didn't. And I love that Riggins feels like an older brother for Julie. That's fantastic. I have a new appreciation for the character of Tim Riggins, though I guess it was obvious what was going to happen when he brought Julie home. Really great episode on all counts.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Waitress revisited

Just finished reading the Waitress script. I think Keri Russell played the character just a smidge darker than needed, but overall the script and film were excellent. Definitely the best of the pregnancy movies this past year.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Top 5 Books I Read this Year

One Hundred Years of Solitude
The Road
Magic for Beginners
A Thousand Splendid Suns
Half of a Yellow Sun


My laptop has a power source once again. Hoorah!

Which means it is now time to hold the first annual LMNOs for television!

I don't have a tape of the show, as it was confiscated by certain angry individuals whose names rhyme with The Bropanos. Apparently, they don't look too kindly on not being nominated. But here's the transcript.


Yello. Welcome to the first annual LMNOs, the first awards show of the year and thus r best supporting actor in a comedic role, the nominees are Hamish Linklater (The New Adventures of Old Christine), Jim Gaffigan (My Boys), Jack McBrayer (30 Rock), and Neil Patrick Harris (HIMYM).

This was one of the closest races this year. Three very pale WASPatholics and a thin lanky Jew. The winner by a nose was… Jim Gaffigan!

Jim couldn’t be here tonight to collect his award. I accept this award on his behalf. Man, it's shiny. Watch out for the reflection, Jimbo. Don't want to accidentally burn that fair skin.

Moving on.

One of our strongest categories this year is best supporting actor in a dramatic role. The nominees are Ted Danson (Damages), Jesse Plemons (FNL), Zach Gilford (FNL), Jack Coleman (Heroes), and Zelijo Ivanek (Damages). So strong in fact that apparently our judges couldn't decide. So it's up to me.
Hold on.
(Up comes a giant dartboard. I throw a dart and don’t hit anyone.)
OK, the winner because he won't have to get in trouble with a fellow castmember is Jack Coleman. Here's a tip, guys. Be the best actor in your ensemble or don't be in it at all.
Jack, also, apparently couldn't be here tonight. What the hell? Fine, I accept this award on his behalf. Congrats, Jack.

Our next award is for est supporting actress in a comedic role. The nominees are Alyson Hannigan (HIMYM), Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty), Judy Reyes (Scrubs), and Elizabeth Perkins (Weeds).

Wilhemina! Vanessa Williams couldn’t be here tonight. Accepting on her behalf is…

Seriously, where is everyone? They’re not here because of the writers’ strike? They don’t want to cross the picket line. But this show isn’t written. It’s completely ad-libbed.
(Halfway through this, turn camera to show cue card that reads those exact words).

Um, right. Let's get this over and done with.

The nominees for best supporting actress in a dramatic role are Elizabeth Montgomery (Lost), Connie Britton (FNL), Adrianne Palicki (FNL), Sally Field (Brothers and Sisters) and Rose Byrne (Damages).

The winner is – where the hell is Elizabeth Montgomery? No, she said she was going to be here. I talked to her last night, and she said if I promised her a win, she’d – and I said that I couldn’t do that, so clearly, the woman didn’t have a lot of self-confidence.

OK, now we’ll take a commercial break while I go take an Advil or a Tylenol. Or Excedrin. Whatever’s sponsoring us.

(Commercial break)

Hi, I’m back. I’d like to apologize to Jim Parsons and David Krumholtz, who I am told, are in fact more intelligent than the characters they portray on TV because they get laid on a regular basis. Well done, guys.

The next category is best actor in a comedic role.
Zachary Levi (Chuck), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Lee Pace (Pushing Daisies), Charlie Day (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), and Alec Baldwin (30 Rock).

And the winner is… it’s a tie. Jim Parsons and Charlie Day!
(A guy runs up.)
Uh, who are you?
Jim: Jim Parsons.
Me: No, you’re not.
Jim: Yeah, I am. Here, I’ll show you my license.
(Jim takes out license. I check it. Shrug.)
Me: OK.
(I give the award to Jim)
Jim: I’d just like to thank my parents, God, and all the ladies I’ve *#$% #$%%$*@!(*$#@.
Me: Thanks, Jim.
Me: Did you want to add anything?
Jim: No, I just, can I have that one instead?
(the two awards are identical)
Me: Uh, sure.
Jim: Actually, I know Charlie. I could bring him his, too.
(beat, unsure)
Me: OK, fine.
(Jim leaves the stage)

(Lifetime Achievement Award
A photo appears on the stage of Sela Ward.)

Tonight, we honor Sela Ward with our annual Lifetime Achievement Award. Many women have done great work for Lifetime but when we think of sappy woman's TV, the only truly redeeming actress who springs to mind is Sela Ward. So, Sela, if you were here tonight, we'd give your this beautiful award made of a gold egg with the letters L, M, and N nailed into it. But you're not.

So let's continue and give out the awards for Best Actress in a Comedic Role

The nominees are America Ferrera (Ugly Betty), Jordana Spiro (My Boys), Tina Fey (30 Rock), Anna Friel (Pushing Daisies), Jenna Fischer (The Office).

To decide the winner of this category, we had a panel of guest judges watch a clip from each of the actresses’ shows and measured laughter on a scale of 1 to 4,000.

(Show clips of people laughing at all five. But one of them, someone laughing so hard they vomit.)

And the winner is Jenna Fischer!

Moving on…

Will Ferrell: Wait! Wait! I'm here!

Me: Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Will Ferrell everybody!

WF: I'm here to accept this award on behalf of my wife, Jenna Fischer.

Me: What?

WF: My wife. Didn't you see Walk Hard?

Me: I did. You weren't in it.

WF: Oh, right. That's why it bombed. I'm poaching your award, Fischer. How you like John C. Reilly now?!

(Will Ferrell is escorted off the stage. I attempt to regain my composure).

As a person who gives out awards to famous people, I found it difficult to deal with common folks screaming my name as I entered the world-famous Mark T Sheehan high school auditorium today.

(show clips of me walking in and people screaming my name, then me walking in a different outfit, people screaming my name, a third time, the fourth time, people are trying to scream my name, but they’ve lost their voices, so they just hold up signs with my name followed by lots of !!!!!!!! and OMG!!!!!)

But since we actually let in some “real” people to the show tonight, I thought I’d see how they’re enjoying the show.

(Go into audience. Two people making out. Another one’s asleep. Finally, find someone who’s “watching”)

Me: Hi, what’s your name?

Michelle: Michelle.

Me: And are you enjoying the show?

Michelle: Not really.

Me: Why not?

Michelle: Because none of the people I wanted to win won. Also, these seats are really uncomfortable. And it smells like sardines. Actually, I think that’s you. Do you bathe in sardines?

Me: OK, that’s really nice. Security.

(two people dressed as security come and beat Michelle)

Me: I wanted you to escort her out and then beat her to a bloody pulp.

(back to stage)

It’s so hard to find good thugs these days.

The next award for the evening is Best Actress in a Dramatic Role
Felicity Huffman for Cancer Survivor with an Attitude and Unpleasantly Large Family, Glenn Close for Crazy, Cutthroat Lawyer, Yvonne Strahovski for Butt-kicking, Emotionally Torn FBI Agent, Emily Deschanel for Brainiac with a Criminal Family and a Penchant for Taking things too Literally, and Calista Flockhart for Conservative Presidential Candidate’s Director of Communications-Slash-Wife.

The winner is…
Cancer Survivor with an Attitude and Unpleasantly Large Family!

(A bald woman approaches the stage. She wrestles the award from me.)

Fake Felicity: I'd like to thank my husband, William H Macy. Not alot of people know this, but the H stands for Humperdinckel. OK, that's not true. I don't know what the H stands for. He won't tell me. You think we're happy, but even we have problems. What's it stand for, Will? Henry? Horatio? Why won't you tell me? What are you hiding?!!!!!

(the music from Black Eyed Peas "Shut Up" starts playing and the woman leaves, bawling)

Before we move on to the rest of the awards for the evening, I thought it would be nice to look back on some of the people we lost this year.

(Picture of Carissa.)
This is my niece Carissa. I lost her at the mall this year. She was lured away by Dora the Explorer, but I found her later.
My grandmother Nancy. She wandered off to check out a sale.
Christen’s dog. Someone found her.
(Warren Beatty, who isn't dead).
Don’t know where he is. Anyone?
(the cast of Lost)
Sorry, old photo.

To announce the winner of Best Actor in a Dramatic Role is Jason Segel of How I Met Your Mother.

(Jason enters, looking pissed)

Jason: Hi, I'm super glad to be here. Since I wasn't nominated. Since apparently it helps to be a tiny elfin albino to get a nomination. The nominees for "drama," which are Jon Hamm (Mad Men) - good work, Hambo, well done being an asshole working for an ad agency, maybe if I had the opportunity to stretch my faked death acting muscles I could have been nominated too, you know, I'm just going to... the winner is James Nesbitt for Jekyll. Are you kidding me? A British guy won? He did, like, what six episodes? This is retarded. I'm going home.

Thanks, Jason. The nominees for Best Comedy Series are Aliens in America, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office and Ugly Betty.

The winner is, in a stunning upset, It's Always Sunny!

(The "other" Jim Parsons comes to the stage.)

Jim: I can take this one too.

Me: Uh. OK.

We only have two more awards to go, folks. The next one is for Best Dramatic Series. The nominees are Lost, Mad Men, Jekyll, Bones, Friday Night Lights, and Brothers and Sisters.

The winner is...

And we actually have someone here tonight to accept the award.

(Matthew Fox approaches the stage. But when he takes the award, a terrible alarm goes off and lights begin to flash.)

Me: It's me! If we don't leave right now and head for Hawaii, the school will flood and sink into the ground.
Matthew: So?
Me: Lives are at stake.
Matthew: Well, maybe next time you'll think about that before you don't nominate me for Best Actor. Now I have to go hide this from Holloway and Quinn.

(Matthew leaves, and I turn the alarms off.)

Well, it's time for the final award. Best DAMN TV Period. This year, we had some truly memorable television. Jekyll, Mad Men, and Friday Night Lights proved to be the best series around, but the "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby" and "Through the Looking Glass" episodes of It's Always Sunny and Lost put those series over the top. Still no television had quite the same impact as Planet Earth, this year's winner for Best DAMN TV Period.

The Earth couldn't be here tonight, but I am happy to accept this award on its behalf. You're quite the superstar, and I hope you'll present next year.

Until then, remember, TV's only as good as the people who write it. Support the WGA and picket the Golden Globes if they don't get a waiver.


everyone experiments in college...

but this is something you can do at any age as long as you have a Mac. Got Internet Explorer? Try, using Internet Explorer on your Mac, to go to

Just kicked you off, didn't it?

This is one of many reasons why I refuse to buy a Mac. It's a weird, weird computer, and honestly, I find fellow Hounie John Hodgman's desperate PC nerdiness endearing. At least we PC owners aren't all smug and self-assured like Justin Long's Mac. Try and read Gossipmonger, Justin Long. Can't do it, can you? How's your ego feel now?

I'm watching Undeclared on DVD right now. I understand why it was cancelled. It's not just the 9/11 thing. Try watching it. You're not going to laugh out loud much. Probably only when Jason Segel's around (he's pretty darn hilarious). It's a great show, but it's not a conventional sitcom. It's single-camera, and there isn't a joke in every line. It would probably have been better as an hour, though I'm sure it still would have been cancelled. It's not as good or as funny as Freaks & Geeks. I mourned the loss of Judd Apatow from TV, but actually, I think he's better in filmland. As is Will Ferrell. And probably Seth Rogen, who's great but has about as much range as an Easy Bake Oven. I'm pretty sure I spelled that wrong by spelling it correctly. Who cares?

But I think Judd needs to cast Timm Sharp in something. That guy was great, and they really ought to have bonded over the fact that their first names both end in double consonants. I mean, who else has that? Seriously. Who?
Besides, a guy named Matt?
Or Will?
Shut up. It seemed like a big thing two seconds ago.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Reminds me of Raymond

Hate has no place in my heart. My heart is too full of other things, like unrequited love and that damn gouda.

So, after noting that most people who see Juno love it, I decided if I was going to be a good person/writer/student/tobogganist, I would be best served by reading the Juno screenplay and moving to Aspen.

I can't move to Aspen, so my toboggan self-improvement is on hold, but I read the Juno screenplay.

My thoughts aren't any different about the majority of the film. What surprised me is how well Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman play their parts. And how nice and strange it is that a woman who loses her husband still gets to raise a child. The movie supports single parent households. That's nice.

But the jokes. Still forced, homeskillet. Maybe it's a Minnesota thing, but I'm not buying it.

So, I guess that's that. I'll defend Little Miss Sunshine and Good Will Hunting against all the naysayers til I'm blue in the face. I'll defend Crash til I'm like a somewhat lighter blue (because as much as I liked it, I'll grant you, it was heavy-handed... though if you saw it with the racist sumbitches I did, you might think it wasn't f--king heavy-handed enough), but I'm going to be on the other side of this Juno debate. I'm going to be one of the few, the proud, the snarky who just can't clap my palms off. B/c it's not a great comedy. And no one's going to convince me otherwise.

OK, dokey, now I'm over it and we can move on.

I watched The Number 23 today because I saw it at the library, and I was like, dude! Can't resist the inner dude.
I like Jim Carrey. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MInd is one of my top 5 fave films ever, and The Truman Show is probably in the top 100. Everything he's done since he stopped doing painful, brutal, childish comedies has been, if not good, demonstrative that the man's very talented and is possibly even sane. Even in something like this paranoid flick, he is capable of, if not being, at least acting remarkably restrained.

I bought some nice shoes from Clark's today. They have heels, which means I'll be about Shaq's height in them, though I doubt I'll be as much of a baller.

OK. I don't really have much to say. I'm just monumentally bored. Nothing on TV. Have read too much recently. I should go out. Get down with my bad self. What I REALLY want to do is go to the Museum of Natural History on Friday for this brain lecture followed by some indie music.
But I don't have anyone to go with...

Shed a little tear for me...

And -- we're done. Good night. Good luck. And good vibrations.

decoding the award-deciding gremlins in my laptop

Ugh, so we're already deep into 2008, and still I have no access to my poor laptop. It's just a black box biding time in my apartment. The results of my little awards show, as well as all the other fun bloggy things I want to do, are trapped in said laptop. I hear voices emanating from it occasionally. "Wawwy Way," it groans, as if I gave it the same nasty cold CT jammed up my snotty nostrils. "Wibiweff Wiffle," it says.
Enigmatic, ain't it?

But there are things to be grateful for. I bought some fantastic, expensive, locally-produced, organic gouda from Whole Foods last night, along with some delish crostini. Best thing I've done in '08.

Watched The Nanny Diaries. I think I've finally been proven correct that Scarlett Johansson is not a good actress. She wouldn't know nuance if it hit her in the face.
Which nuance would never do. Because it's, well, nuance. It would be more subtle about any violence.

Finished Daywatch, the moderately inferior sequel to Nightwatch. It's a recap-alooza that starts to get a bit too big for its Soviet shortpants (ok, that was just wrong, but it's staying - we need a reminder that Kati is infallible). Will read the third book though, if only because I'm now committed and also really, really like the name Anton Gorodetsky. May name my son that. Or my first living possession.


Watched some of the Lost mobisodes. Am perplexed. These "Missing Pieces" are what? To overtell the backstories and to pull back the veil on every last detail of these people's lives? Kinda ruins the mystery. Not the Mystery, of course. I still don't have the faintest idea what's going on. I mean the "mystery," the gauze that holds Lost together and waves you towards it seductively but you don't want to count the threads. Because then it's not cool and shimmery. No get it.

Received requested but unexpected truffles from MG (I have two friends with those initials - this one is female). She's a godsend. I salute you, mon amie.
In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with. I don't. Would you take two negative messages?
-- Woody Allen