the gospel according to Craig's list

Being a bit naive, I totally thought an ad on Craig's list for a job blogging on TV for MSN was legit. So I wrote some sample posts and sent it to the email address. Or tried to, anyhow. No go. Either such an address doesn't exist, or I screwed it up. Rather than have the writing die, I present the samples here, for your entertainment.

Casting Coop

The creators of Nip/Tuck really underestimate their audience. While refusing to tell TVGuide’s Michael Ausiello what character Bradley Cooper will play in a five-episode arc during the upcoming fifth season, they did say he won’t be a “love interest for anyone, male or female.”
Well, that’s just plain ridiculous. On Nip/Tuck everyone gets a little nookie, whether they be serial killers, family members, violently disfigured patients, or people of ambiguous genitalia. Heck, even his character from The Wedding Crashers could get a quickie in the break room.
Hence, (that’s right, hence) if Cooper is on for five episodes, the only way he’s not going to be the object of some sort of seduction, crush, or sexual exploit is… and I’m sure you’ve already figured this out… but if you haven’t, don’t read any further if you would rather be surprised… is if his character isn’t corporal. In other words, no booty, no booty call.
That’s right. You heard it here first. Free from his mortally cute coil, Cooper must have been cast to play God on Nip/Tuck. Well, maybe not the God, but certainly a god. Or at the very least an awfully cute angel.
So what kind of god do you think would visit Doctors McNamara and Troy? Could a devil be next, or would that be redundant?

Wrong Channel, Right Wife

I know this show isn’t on Lifetime, or WE, or the O!, but I never can remember which channel it is on. After all, The Starter Wife belongs among its kind, shows for women about women. I mean, honestly. Imagine someone told you that a reality TV show, overflowing with brand placement, drawn-out results episodes, and cranky judges, had just debuted on one of the networks. Wouldn’t you immediately switch to Fox?
Eventually, I figured out where the show was (USA – it was on USA!) this morning, as I scanned the Channel listings, only to remember, bittersweetly, that Joe Mantegna has said farewell. Thank God.
Don’t be ashamed. Secretly, I know you’re relieved, too. Sure, Joe’s character was cute, charming, debonair, and really seemed to get Debra Messing’s Molly, but he was also jaded by Hollywood and disenchanted with just about everyone and everything. Who wants middle-aged, depressed, and bitter, when you can have young, judgmental, and emotionally unavailable, like Stephen Moyer’s character? The second Moyer appeared to save Molly from her ill-advised sea kayaking adventure, we knew Joe was toast. I just thought Molly would string him along for a few more episodes before she gave into the mysterious, sexy, possibly British, definitely poor surfer dude.
But we were wrong. No prolonged misery for Joe or for us! The guy gave into his self-doubt, loathing, and bottle of beer, took The Awakening/ Virginia Woolf way out and walked into the sea. With nary a surfer dude to dive in and save our poor Joe (it was evening, after all), Molly watched as her beautifully cooked food got cold and her shot at a drawn-out “which one should I choose?” got swept out with the rip tide.
Can’t wait for tonight when Molly dons a blonde wig to go visit Judy Davis in rehab and, in between times, has a very WE dalliance with the hot surfer dude.
What other shows would have been better if they just killed off the guy who wasn’t going to win the girl?

When Pilots Die – And Not Like Greg Grunberg on Lost

Ever wonder what happens to those over-hyped pilots when the networks decide they’d rather buy another reality show? Me too.
After all, who of us wouldn’t love to see the pilots for Football Wives, the Americanized version of popular Brit soap, Footballers’ Wives? I was all psyched to see James Van Der Beek, Gabrielle Union and Lucy Lawless finally together where they belong. And, hello, Bryan Singer directed. Sounds like gold to me. Moreover, what about the TV-version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith? I once saw Jordana Brewster fall off an elliptical machine in an outfit she owns in about six different colors. That was pretty entertaining, so I can’t imagine how small-screen Mr. and Mrs. Smith wouldn’t be worth a gander.
I’m sure there’s some legal reason for not airing or selling or leaking to YouTube the DOA pilots they’ve already purchased, but…
You’d think with American Idol and comparable series, it would have occurred to the networks that what you can do with singers, you could probably do with TV itself. Rather than guessing with a few focus groups, why don’t executives make the whole country do their jobs and vote on the pilots? What better way to fill some airtime and hype the fall season – and guarantee at least a couple of hits – than by making what is put on the air America’s choice?
What shows from the pilot season were you disappointed didn’t make the upfronts? Would you watch a TV show about TV, or would you ignore it, like On the Lot? Be honest. I can take it.