Monday, May 19, 2008

sketch: dinner at the Hanks house

My roommate has a thing for Colin Hanks, and while watching Castaway tonight, I thought, how fun would it be to have dinner at the Hanks house. I bet I could have a whole conversation with Tom Hanks just using quotes from his movies.
In the sketch, the "me" character is meeting Tom because she's engaged to Colin. It's purely for narrative convenience.

[Tom opens the front door to his house]

Tom: Hi. You must be Kati. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Man, it's warm. I can't believe you brought your coat. Here, let me take it.

Me: The Godfather answers all of life's questions. What should I pack for my summer vacation? "Leave the gun, take the cannoli."

Tom: Well, we don’t allow guns in the house. Or cannolis for that matter. Rita has this weird irrational fear of ricotta. Boy, do I miss lasagna. Anyhow, go ahead and leave your shoes by the door.

Me: Mama says they was magic shoes. They could take me anywhere.

Tom: Uh, okay. You can keep ‘em on if it’ll make you more comfortable.

Me: No. Would it make you more comfortable?

[I take off my shoes]

Tom: We just put in hardwood floors, so you know, scuffing.

Me: It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard… is what makes it great.

Tom: Right. Much better than the carpeting. And easier to clean.

[I stumble.]

Tom: Whoa, whoa, watch yourself. You nearly took a little trip there.

Me: That wasn’t flying. That was… falling with style.

Tom: Well, I don’t know about that, but you do look quite nice. Rita’s just dying to see the engagement ring.

Me: It’s a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don’t get lost.

Tom: Huh, really? It looks like a diamond to me. You turn at a certain angle and it could burn a guy’s cornea out.

Me: And in return, I’d like you to turn a blind eye to… what I have to do.

Tom: All right, what can I get you to drink?

Me: Well, then, should we try some of this scotch, or is it going to release Sarin gas?

Tom: I actually don’t have any scotch. And we’ve just run out of Sarin gas. You want some coffee?

Me: Patricia makes coffee nervous.

Tom: OK, so no coffee. I try to refrain from caffeinated beverages myself, though trying and succeeding are two different things.

Me: Because we’re going to sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants.

Tom: How about some juice? We have cranberry juice. Apple juice…

Me: We just put Sir Isaac Newton in the driver’s seat.

Tom: So apple juice then?

Me: I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy.

Tom: Snapple. We have Snapple!

[doorbell rings]

Tom: Ah, that must be Rita now. Late as usual.

Me: We live and die by the clock, that’s all we have.

Tom: Rita!

[Tom leaves, then comes back]

Tom: It was the housekeeper. I sent her out to buy some fresh ahi. You do like fish.

Me: I don't understand. All my life I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.

Tom: There’s nothing like blackened ahi. Let’s go throw it on the grill. Now watch your step. Spielberg was over with the brood the other day, and toys just got everywhere. I stubbed my toe on a marble the other day.

Me: YOU! ARE! A! TOYYYYY! You're not the real Buzz Lightyear! You're - you are an action figure! You are a child's play-thing!

Tom: Ow! Dammit. I stepped on another one.

Me: It’s like finding a needle in a stack of needles.

Tom: Dang it, that hurts.

Me: All we can do here is die.

Tom: Okay, so I’m exaggerating a bit. Look, don’t tell Rita. She’s been on me about putting in a new walkway out here, but I just don’t have the time.

Me: What happens on the mile stays on the mile. Always has.

Tom: Actually, it’s just a few more yards. Oh, shit, I forgot the manual for the grill.

Me: I've got to get to a library... Fast!

Tom: No, no, it’s fine. I’ll just wing it. Ah, here’s a match.

[Tom lights the grill]

Me: Look what I've created. I have made FIRE.

Tom: Man, it’s getting nippy out here. I hope it doesn’t get blown out.

Me: Ride like the wind, Bullseye.

Tom: Yeah, there’s definitely a storm brewing. Look at all those clouds.

Me: We just lost the moon.

Tom: Man, I hope they can see all right coming out here. This is the only flashlight we got.

Me: That's a search area of 500,000 square miles. That's twice the size of Texas. They may never find us.

Tom: It is a pretty big piece of property, isn’t it? I feel so bad for the lawnmower.

Me: And cause I was a gazillionaire, and I liked doin it so much, I cut that grass for free.

Tom: Well, not me. I hate that stuff. But Colin told me you were into vegetable gardening. I’m glad because his mother and I had such a time getting that boy to eat his broccoli.

Me: Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots.

Tom: Is that the girl that introduced you two? Colin said you were having brunch with her this morning.

Me: Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability...

Tom: Brunch is something I miss. But we’re always down at Rita’s church for something or other.

Me: Women are a huge threat to the Church.

Tom: Well, you know what they say, you can’t rebuild something until you’ve torn it down.

Me: A big man is ripping your ears off, Percy. I'd do as he says.

Tom: It definitely feels that way sometimes. They know what I do, they know how much money I have, sometimes, I feel all I do is give.

Me: When I die and I stand before God awaiting judgment and he asks me why I let one of HIS miracles die, what am I gonna say, that it was my job?

Tom: You’re right, you’re right, I’m lucky, it’s my duty to give back.

Me: But you don't want to be bamboozled. You don't want to be led down the primrose path. You don't want to be conned or duped. Hoodwinked. You don't want the wool pulled over you eyes. Railroaded. Seeing is believing. Am I right?

Tom: That’s what I’ve been telling Rita. We need to focus our charity work, we need to do research, we can’t just give to whomever asks. I mean, who knows whether they’re legitimate or not.

Me: He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb.

Tom: I don’t even care about that. I just want to make sure we help deserving people. Anyhow, you’ve had quite a lot of Snapple. If you need to use the bathroom, the one in the poolhouse is only a half mile down that a way.

Me: This thing is going to get done by the CIA and it's going to get done quietly.

Tom: If that was a euphemism for something, I don’t want to know.

Me: If I'm not back in half an hour, you go see Reverend Lynch at First Methodist and you tell him what's happened. Do NOT go to Father Callaway.

[I leave]

Tom: We’re Eastern Orthodox!

[I go use the bathroom and then come back]

Tom: Oh, good, you’re back. I was worried.

Me: Always trust a bank manager.

Tom: Is that what you do? Colin told me you were a writer.

Me: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!

Tom: No, it’s just the smoke from the grill. Keeps getting in my face.

[we hear a car drive up]

Tom: Ah, that sounds like Colin’s car.

Me: He could be the Zipper Man.

Tom: That’s an interesting pet name.

Me: The man means nothing to me; he's just a name.

Tom: Oh, there’s no reason to be upset. Is he often late?

Me: Well, tradition mostly.

Tom: Well, you know, he’s been working very hard lately.

Me: We all have orders, and we have to follow 'em. That supersedes everything, including your mothers.

Tom: Rita was right. It was you who sent the flowers and chocolates on Mother's Day! How thoughtful of you.

Me: Surely a chocolate assortment has been known to melt the heart of even the hardest misanthrope.

Tom: You know, that wasn’t the chocolate quote I thought you were going to use.

Me: My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Tom: That’s the one. Anyhow, once you run out of quotes, I can really see you becoming part of the family.

Me: Who am I to break up the Roundup Gang?

Tom: We’re all going up to Aspen next month in my private plane. You’re more than welcome to come.

Me: Gentlemen, it's been a privilege flying with you.

Tom: Good, good. Oh, here's Colin now.

Me: This is possibly the most adorable creature I've ever been in contact with, and if she turns out to be as good looking as a mailbox... I would be crazy enough to turn my life upside down and marry her.

Tom: Well, that's great. I’m so happy you’ve made him happy.

Me: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

[Tom smiles and clinks a bottle with my Snapple bottle, then downs it.

Stunned, I realize it’s Worcestershire sauce.]

Me: You just drank a whole bottle of Worcestershire sauce.

Tom: [coughing]: I'm sorry; did you want some?

[I take a beat]

Me: Family Ties?

Tom: You better believe it. Welcome to the family.

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In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with. I don't. Would you take two negative messages?
-- Woody Allen