Wednesday, May 28, 2008

world's worst argument

Ever thought that there was something wrong in the universe? Ever disagreed with the critics, thought something successful and widely-praised wasn't as great as everyone said? Oh, yeah. Well, you were just jealous.
No, no, no, I don't want to hear your well-reasoned arguments. They differ from the people I agree with. You're just jealous! You didn't like Juno? You're jealous! You think the NY Times magazine cover story was the kind of lame that gets sent to the glue factory? You're jealous! You wish it was you who won that Oscar, who was featured in that magazine story! The more you point out the flaws in the work, the more I know you're just a green-eyed monster of oozing envy! That's the only possible reason!

Because if you're right (which you're not) or even have a valid opinion, and that magazine article that I loved WAS, potentially, in poor taste, pointless, etc., etc., then it must mean that I'm a shallow, stupid asshole who can't wait for the NY Times to totes become US Weekly. And if Juno really wasn't the greatest, funniest, most original movie ever and Ellen Page was just playing herself and those catchphrases weren't like the work of an exhibitionist Einstein, then, well, maybe I just jump on the bandwagon with everyone else and am easily enamored with bright pink hair and shiny indie-cool banter rather than actual story (though, okay, we all agree that there was a lot of potential in that Sonic Youth dad doesn't really want a kid storyline). Maybe I don't know crap about what makes a screenplay deserving of an Oscar and should keep my doughnut hole shut.

But that can't be it.

So you're jealous.

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In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with. I don't. Would you take two negative messages?
-- Woody Allen