Friday, March 21, 2008

Quick Guide to Obtaining a Geek Boyfriend, or The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Rat's Nest

So, the major life lesson I came out of this week with (I'm still in the week, so I'm projecting forward, whatever) was that all men love video games.

Scratch that-- all men are obsessed with video games.
Scratch that again so hard that you make a sorry little hole-- 92% of all men to whom I am attracted are obsessed with video games.

So until now, I knew nothing about Halo 3 or any of this, and if you're a girl, you probably don't either (this is a generalization, obviously).

So let's say the guy you like's a big gamer/geek-type. You have one of two choices: you can pretend to be an avid, but not so good gamer (and thus require his help), or you can pretend to be, like, a brigadier and impress him with your awesomeness (dangerous in the long-term, useful in the short).

Look, to melt his dorky heart, you don't need to buy an XBox or know anything about Halo. If you want to buy an XBox backpack, that's a cool, but cheap investment, and will have the added bonus of attracting hot geeks to your safe, secure XBox-playing side.

If you're a newbie, just say your Level's 13, you like SMGs 'cause they're loud, but they suck as actual weapons, and then ask him who he thinks would win in a Voltron v. Godzilla battle (this isn't Halo 3-related, but Damon Lindelof asked the cast of Chuck that this past week, and it seemed to get the crew excited). Oh, and Voltron is a Transformer, if you don't know.

Now if you want to impress the crap out of the hot guy, so much so that maybe he's afraid to play you, but thinks you're cool for being a gamer, might I suggest expressing affection for Rat's Nest, saying you're a 38, but you've ranked as high as 45 (brigadier), you got a Killimanjaro the other day, you preferred the battle rifle in Halo 2, you think the needler has its moments, but nothing beats a decent plasma grenade. And then, once again to get off the subject, ask the Voltron v. Godzilla question. When he asks you to play with him (if he's really good), get out of it by saying you're so over the Halo machismo and 14 year-old boys cursing out your mom-- and thus are going back to Zelda. Then you're still cool, but you're out of his territory.

Though this is technically lying, I think all of us (at least those of us who don't have heads as hollow as the crap chocolate Easter bunnies) realize that there is a time and a place for lying, specifically when it comes to attracting a member of the opposite sex who spends 8 hours a day playing Halo 3. The alternative is actually playing Halo 3. The choice is yours.

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In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with. I don't. Would you take two negative messages?
-- Woody Allen