My laptop has a power source once again. Hoorah!
Which means it is now time to hold the first annual LMNOs for television!
I don't have a tape of the show, as it was confiscated by certain angry individuals whose names rhyme with The Bropanos. Apparently, they don't look too kindly on not being nominated. But here's the transcript.
OPENING CREDITS OVER THE FOUR SEASONS "WHO LOVES YOU"
Yello. Welcome to the first annual LMNOs, the first awards show of the year and thus r best supporting actor in a comedic role, the nominees are Hamish Linklater (The New Adventures of Old Christine), Jim Gaffigan (My Boys), Jack McBrayer (30 Rock), and Neil Patrick Harris (HIMYM).
This was one of the closest races this year. Three very pale WASPatholics and a thin lanky Jew. The winner by a nose was… Jim Gaffigan!
Jim couldn’t be here tonight to collect his award. I accept this award on his behalf. Man, it's shiny. Watch out for the reflection, Jimbo. Don't want to accidentally burn that fair skin.
One of our strongest categories this year is best supporting actor in a dramatic role. The nominees are Ted Danson (Damages), Jesse Plemons (FNL), Zach Gilford (FNL), Jack Coleman (Heroes), and Zelijo Ivanek (Damages). So strong in fact that apparently our judges couldn't decide. So it's up to me.
(Up comes a giant dartboard. I throw a dart and don’t hit anyone.)
OK, the winner because he won't have to get in trouble with a fellow castmember is Jack Coleman. Here's a tip, guys. Be the best actor in your ensemble or don't be in it at all.
Jack, also, apparently couldn't be here tonight. What the hell? Fine, I accept this award on his behalf. Congrats, Jack.
Our next award is for est supporting actress in a comedic role. The nominees are Alyson Hannigan (HIMYM), Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty), Judy Reyes (Scrubs), and Elizabeth Perkins (Weeds).
Wilhemina! Vanessa Williams couldn’t be here tonight. Accepting on her behalf is…
Seriously, where is everyone? They’re not here because of the writers’ strike? They don’t want to cross the picket line. But this show isn’t written. It’s completely ad-libbed.
(Halfway through this, turn camera to show cue card that reads those exact words).
Um, right. Let's get this over and done with.
The nominees for best supporting actress in a dramatic role are Elizabeth Montgomery (Lost), Connie Britton (FNL), Adrianne Palicki (FNL), Sally Field (Brothers and Sisters) and Rose Byrne (Damages).
The winner is – where the hell is Elizabeth Montgomery? No, she said she was going to be here. I talked to her last night, and she said if I promised her a win, she’d – and I said that I couldn’t do that, so clearly, the woman didn’t have a lot of self-confidence.
OK, now we’ll take a commercial break while I go take an Advil or a Tylenol. Or Excedrin. Whatever’s sponsoring us.
Hi, I’m back. I’d like to apologize to Jim Parsons and David Krumholtz, who I am told, are in fact more intelligent than the characters they portray on TV because they get laid on a regular basis. Well done, guys.
The next category is best actor in a comedic role.
Zachary Levi (Chuck), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Lee Pace (Pushing Daisies), Charlie Day (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), and Alec Baldwin (30 Rock).
And the winner is… it’s a tie. Jim Parsons and Charlie Day!
(A guy runs up.)
Uh, who are you?
Jim: Jim Parsons.
Me: No, you’re not.
Jim: Yeah, I am. Here, I’ll show you my license.
(Jim takes out license. I check it. Shrug.)
(I give the award to Jim)
Jim: I’d just like to thank my parents, God, and all the ladies I’ve *#$% #$%%$*@!(*$#@.
Me: Thanks, Jim.
Me: Did you want to add anything?
Jim: No, I just, can I have that one instead?
(the two awards are identical)
Me: Uh, sure.
Jim: Actually, I know Charlie. I could bring him his, too.
Me: OK, fine.
(Jim leaves the stage)
(Lifetime Achievement Award
A photo appears on the stage of Sela Ward.)
Tonight, we honor Sela Ward with our annual Lifetime Achievement Award. Many women have done great work for Lifetime but when we think of sappy woman's TV, the only truly redeeming actress who springs to mind is Sela Ward. So, Sela, if you were here tonight, we'd give your this beautiful award made of a gold egg with the letters L, M, and N nailed into it. But you're not.
So let's continue and give out the awards for Best Actress in a Comedic Role
The nominees are America Ferrera (Ugly Betty), Jordana Spiro (My Boys), Tina Fey (30 Rock), Anna Friel (Pushing Daisies), Jenna Fischer (The Office).
To decide the winner of this category, we had a panel of guest judges watch a clip from each of the actresses’ shows and measured laughter on a scale of 1 to 4,000.
(Show clips of people laughing at all five. But one of them, someone laughing so hard they vomit.)
And the winner is Jenna Fischer!
Will Ferrell: Wait! Wait! I'm here!
Me: Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Will Ferrell everybody!
WF: I'm here to accept this award on behalf of my wife, Jenna Fischer.
WF: My wife. Didn't you see Walk Hard?
Me: I did. You weren't in it.
WF: Oh, right. That's why it bombed. I'm poaching your award, Fischer. How you like John C. Reilly now?!
(Will Ferrell is escorted off the stage. I attempt to regain my composure).
As a person who gives out awards to famous people, I found it difficult to deal with common folks screaming my name as I entered the world-famous Mark T Sheehan high school auditorium today.
(show clips of me walking in and people screaming my name, then me walking in a different outfit, people screaming my name, a third time, the fourth time, people are trying to scream my name, but they’ve lost their voices, so they just hold up signs with my name followed by lots of !!!!!!!! and OMG!!!!!)
But since we actually let in some “real” people to the show tonight, I thought I’d see how they’re enjoying the show.
(Go into audience. Two people making out. Another one’s asleep. Finally, find someone who’s “watching”)
Me: Hi, what’s your name?
Me: And are you enjoying the show?
Michelle: Not really.
Me: Why not?
Michelle: Because none of the people I wanted to win won. Also, these seats are really uncomfortable. And it smells like sardines. Actually, I think that’s you. Do you bathe in sardines?
Me: OK, that’s really nice. Security.
(two people dressed as security come and beat Michelle)
Me: I wanted you to escort her out and then beat her to a bloody pulp.
(back to stage)
It’s so hard to find good thugs these days.
The next award for the evening is Best Actress in a Dramatic Role
Felicity Huffman for Cancer Survivor with an Attitude and Unpleasantly Large Family, Glenn Close for Crazy, Cutthroat Lawyer, Yvonne Strahovski for Butt-kicking, Emotionally Torn FBI Agent, Emily Deschanel for Brainiac with a Criminal Family and a Penchant for Taking things too Literally, and Calista Flockhart for Conservative Presidential Candidate’s Director of Communications-Slash-Wife.
The winner is…
Cancer Survivor with an Attitude and Unpleasantly Large Family!
(A bald woman approaches the stage. She wrestles the award from me.)
Fake Felicity: I'd like to thank my husband, William H Macy. Not alot of people know this, but the H stands for Humperdinckel. OK, that's not true. I don't know what the H stands for. He won't tell me. You think we're happy, but even we have problems. What's it stand for, Will? Henry? Horatio? Why won't you tell me? What are you hiding?!!!!!
(the music from Black Eyed Peas "Shut Up" starts playing and the woman leaves, bawling)
Before we move on to the rest of the awards for the evening, I thought it would be nice to look back on some of the people we lost this year.
(Picture of Carissa.)
This is my niece Carissa. I lost her at the mall this year. She was lured away by Dora the Explorer, but I found her later.
My grandmother Nancy. She wandered off to check out a sale.
Christen’s dog. Someone found her.
(Warren Beatty, who isn't dead).
Don’t know where he is. Anyone?
(the cast of Lost)
Sorry, old photo.
To announce the winner of Best Actor in a Dramatic Role is Jason Segel of How I Met Your Mother.
(Jason enters, looking pissed)
Jason: Hi, I'm super glad to be here. Since I wasn't nominated. Since apparently it helps to be a tiny elfin albino to get a nomination. The nominees for "drama," which are Jon Hamm (Mad Men) - good work, Hambo, well done being an asshole working for an ad agency, maybe if I had the opportunity to stretch my faked death acting muscles I could have been nominated too, you know, I'm just going to... the winner is James Nesbitt for Jekyll. Are you kidding me? A British guy won? He did, like, what six episodes? This is retarded. I'm going home.
Thanks, Jason. The nominees for Best Comedy Series are Aliens in America, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office and Ugly Betty.
The winner is, in a stunning upset, It's Always Sunny!
(The "other" Jim Parsons comes to the stage.)
Jim: I can take this one too.
Me: Uh. OK.
We only have two more awards to go, folks. The next one is for Best Dramatic Series. The nominees are Lost, Mad Men, Jekyll, Bones, Friday Night Lights, and Brothers and Sisters.
The winner is...
And we actually have someone here tonight to accept the award.
(Matthew Fox approaches the stage. But when he takes the award, a terrible alarm goes off and lights begin to flash.)
Me: It's me! If we don't leave right now and head for Hawaii, the school will flood and sink into the ground.
Me: Lives are at stake.
Matthew: Well, maybe next time you'll think about that before you don't nominate me for Best Actor. Now I have to go hide this from Holloway and Quinn.
(Matthew leaves, and I turn the alarms off.)
Well, it's time for the final award. Best DAMN TV Period. This year, we had some truly memorable television. Jekyll, Mad Men, and Friday Night Lights proved to be the best series around, but the "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby" and "Through the Looking Glass" episodes of It's Always Sunny and Lost put those series over the top. Still no television had quite the same impact as Planet Earth, this year's winner for Best DAMN TV Period.
The Earth couldn't be here tonight, but I am happy to accept this award on its behalf. You're quite the superstar, and I hope you'll present next year.
Until then, remember, TV's only as good as the people who write it. Support the WGA and picket the Golden Globes if they don't get a waiver.